You Have Me

"Mom, I think I will just give up. I don't know how to love."  What big words coming from our new four year olds mouth.  My mind still cant wrap itself around that statement.  Every time I try to process where she might be coming from and how possibly she can understand the magnitude of her words....well....I'm stuck!  Just stuck.  Stuck in the middle, stuck not understanding what it must feel like to not know love, stuck trying to figure out how I can help her to understand, stuck in connecting and correcting, stuck in the rules, but mostly just stuck not knowing what to do next.  Now, what? What do you say?  How can you comfort?  How can you help? How can you teach?  How can I show more love than I am already showing? Time and consistency.  I feel my heart break all over again.


I'm no parental expert, actually far from it!  I wonder most days why in the world God would call Marc and I to such a task of parenting three plus one.  I mean hasn't He seen all my mess ups already?? Hasn't He seen my three bio-children and all their issues?? Seriously???  SERIOUSLY???


And then....I hear Him gently say, "YOU HAVE ME".  That sums it up though, doesn't it?  Do I need anything else?  Do I need a PhD, a badge from Mommy's R US, a certificate from the latest parenting class, or the approval from man?


Why is it that most times we all forget the only thing we really need is HIM? This is more than just a parenting thing. God whispers to us everyday in all situations, "YOU HAVE ME" and we just pretend like He didn't say a word.  We try to fix or maneuver, or whine, or stomp our feet in anger; we try to figure it out on our own or become extremely impatient with how life is going. We look to the world as if it has the answers to our deepest desires or longing questions.  We fill our hands with baskets of "things" that only take us from Him and somehow we place momentary contentment in those "things" until we figure out that wasn't what we were looking for either. WE HAVE HIM!!!!  Isn't HE enough?   Doesn't HE have the power to move mountains, to face giants and conquer them, to provide for our needs, to wipe every tear, to show us the way, to give us strength, to forgive, to heal, and to LOVE!


Those questions that linger, those problems that can't be fixed, those times of wait that seem unending,  He will answer with, "YOU HAVE ME."  Will we listen?  Romans 8:28 says, "And we know that in ALL things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to His purpose." We have an unbelievable amount of hope in the Word of God.  WE HAVE HIM! He promises us more than what we can see with human eyes yet we are so distracted by our human limitations, what we can't control and fix ourselves.  We are caught up on what seems impossible and we forget the Truth of His Word.  I don't know what will happen in the life of this four year old that is becoming apart of our family, as a matter of fact I don't even know what will happen with my three bio kids. What I do know is that God is working!  I can bank on that.  He is working for the good, for my good. And I'm so thankful I hear Him whisper that reminder, "YOU HAVE ME!"

I REFUSE!

The last few months have been, well just let me explain! You name it and it has probably happened.  One of our hot water heaters sprung a leak resulting in our ceiling caving in, our garage door opener decided to break and needed a spring repair, one of our air units decided to stop cooling because of a leak, our disposal broke and had to be replaced, our aerobic system had to be pumped out and a new aerator installed, and the very same day our microwave started to make a horrible noise when running. And lets not forget our kids have struggled with rebellious attitudes and actions, grades, fights, cysts, and scoliosis diagnosis....is anyone besides me weary? Oh and let me add we are fostering a child that has more needs than I can count, learning to be had, behaviors to be corrected, and lots of love to be given.
Why Lord?  Why would all of this pile on at once?  Why is it that when you decide to take a leap of faith for Him and step out onto the waters of following after Him that all hell breaks loose?  I will tell you why.....Satan just cant stand for you to further His Kingdom.  He just cant stand that you have decided to follow Jesus.  He wants to do everything possible to make life a living hell so that maybe, just maybe, you will decide the cost of living for the Lord is too great.  I REFUSE!
I'm reminded of those forty days that Jesus fasted and prayed and spent time with the Lord.  Satan waited until those forty days were coming to an end when Jesus was physically exhausted and food deprived; he was at Him like nobodies business. He did all he could to tempt Jesus to save Himself, to show His power and to walk away from the calling God had for Him.  BUT Christ REFUSED! He didn't need anything Satan had to offer.  He was tired, hungry, and weary yet He still wanted to follow where the Lord was leading Him.....To The Cross!!  He knew the blessing that would incur following His Father's will, our eternal life.  What a sweet picture of His precious love!  What a wonderful reminder that even Jesus endured the horrible days that satan hurled His way!  And what encouragement to know that we too can endure and still find hope in following after our Lord and Savior!
Little by little the Lord has provided and little by little I have seen Him more; each day with Him truly does grow sweeter!  I encourage you that when life is just too much to handle and you feel you just cant keep moving in the direction the Lord has called you that you remember He too has walked in those shoes.  He too knows your pain, your hurt, your struggles; and He too did not give up on the calling God had for Him.  He went to the Cross to bear it all just for you!!!  You will make it!!  Don't lose heart!  Keep stepping towards Him! REFUSE to let satan win!  There is victory in HIM!!
"Therefore, my dear brothers and sisters, stand firm.  Let nothing move you.  Always give yourselves fully to the work of the Lord, because you know that your labor in the Lord is not in vain." 
1 Corinthians 15:58

He is with us

This morning my heart hurts. But this morning my heart also rejoices.  My heart is heavy yet it is full of joy.  How can so many emotions fill me and I still have peace.  My friend, it is just JESUS!  This journey of being a foster to adopt family has taken us on some pretty scary and treacherous paths but also very rewarding.  As we have continued to say YES to the Lord in where He leads being a parent and following His lead only gets more difficult.  God never promised easy so I claim His promise that He is always with me. (Psalm 73:23 "Yet I am always with you; you hold me by my right hand.") And when satan strikes yet again, with his loud noise and distractions, I know my God is bigger than all fiery arrows that deceiver throws my way. 






This morning as we had our God time, I asked the kids what they were thankful for?  Our Princess May May immediately said, "for brothers and a sister".   She then said, "mom, do some people have a broken heart because my heart is broken?"  I said yes and assured her that God loves her and can heal broken hearts.  People, people, if that doesn't break your heart then, I am not sure you have one.  A four year old claiming her thankfulness for a new family yet saying her heart is still broken because of the loss of one.  She knows the pain that many of us have no clue of and yet we go on with life without thinking twice about the hurt some people encounter.  I can't share all the details of her story but place yourself in any foster child's situation and I believe you may just have a new understanding of family and love and thankfulness, a new understanding of HIS love for you.  You might just find Jesus there in the midst of the least of these, and your perspective may just change.






I'm praying today you are encouraged that even in brokenness God is real and we can trust Him.  The song "He Is With Us" comes to mind. Here are the lyrics....






Remember when your hope is lost and faith is shaken
Remember when you wonder if you're gonna make it
There's a hand stretched out through your deepest doubt
We can't pretend to see the ending or what's coming up ahead
To know the story of tomorrow
But we can stay close to the One who knows

We can trust our God
He knows what He's doing
Though it might hurt now
We won't be ruined
It might seem there's an ocean in between
But He's holding on to you and me
And He's never gonna leave, no
He is with us, He is with us
Always, always
He is with us, He is with us
Always

We believe there is purpose, there is meaning in everything
We surrender to His leading
He wants nothing more than to have us close

We can trust our God
He knows what He's doing
Though it might hurt now
We won't be ruined
It might seem there's an ocean in between
But He's holding on to you and me
And He's never gonna leave, no
He is with us, He is with us
Always, always
He is with us, He is with us
Always

Our faith is sealed
Our hope is real
Come what may
We're not afraid
Our faith is sealed
Our hope is real
Come what may
We're not afraid
We're not afraid

We can trust our God
Always, always
We can trust our God
Always, always

We can trust our God
He knows what He's doing
Though it might hurt now
We won't be ruined
It might seem there's an ocean in between
But He's holding on to you and me
And He's never gonna leave, no
He is with us, He is with us
Always, always
He is with us, He is with us
Always, always
He is with us, He is with us
Always, always
He is with us, He is with us
Always
Our God is with us




AMEN!!! And AMEN!!!!

Journey of Faith

It's been a while since I've blogged and I have a few reasons for that.  I haven't stopped writing, I just couldn't let some of the things written be public.  It has been a written saga with God that really journals an unbelievable journey of faith and love and miracles.  One day I will be able to share the entire story with you all.  Until then, you will get tid bits of His goodness.

We have become a licensed foster to adopt family through Buckner. Oh what an incredible journey of faith it has taken just to get that far.  We never dreamed nor planned of doing such a thing.  It wasn't apart of our five year plan, or our ten year plan; it just was NEVER apart of the plan.  Actually, if you ask my husband his plan was to have TWO children, definitely NOT four.  So when, I say miracles, I mean miracles!! Its kind of comical to see what our plan was and now see where God has taken us.  All I can say is never think you can out plan God, it doesn't work! LOL! It took some time, years, for us both to really believe that still small voice we were hearing calling us to step out in faith and love one more.  I'll tell you its a scary thing stepping out onto the waters of faith and trusting that what God is saying to do and where He is leading IS the right path.  As I write that, it sounds like a "no brainer" but in reality it has been a tough slow act of obedience.

I look back over my life and so see the handprints of God in the little things that set us on this path.  My heart has always been the soft one that sees people a little differently than most.  I'll never forget a youth camp experience that Janet White shared to imagine all with a sign around their neck that states, "Make Me Feel Special."  If you know me well, you have heard me say that over and over, as it has become apart of who I am.  Seeing that one that doesn't fit in, that one that needs a little more love than most are willing to give, that one that doesn't say much but has so much to say, that one that no one wants to friend because her past and even her present sends sparks through the veins of those around, that one that gets on every ones nerves, that one that is just well...different.  I tend to see the good in people before I see the bad, or maybe its that I want to believe there is good in all people and I look for it as to prove the bad away.  God has also used the so called failures and hurts in my life as well to help me see and feel and have compassion for those around me.  I believe He has allowed me to be in positions that were somewhat less desirable so that I could understand more where someone else was coming from.. He has used all of those things to help me to see that loving others to Him is one of the greatest journeys there will ever be. Hard and completely crippling at times but by far the greatest blessing. 

So as we finally said, "YES" to follow where God was leading our faith journey, I believe it is only getting started.  Love Them More continues to grow in theme in our house.  There are so many aspects to being a foster to adopt family and many unknowns that can't be controlled no matter how badly you try to work them to be.  It's a vulnerable state to live in saying "Yes" to God and not really knowing what will happen next.  I can't say that I have ever been one that has lived on the edge or the wild side or even adventurous.  It was always too scary to me.  I was one that was afraid to do anything outside of the rules in fear of getting in trouble or failure.  I was a "safe zone" kind of girl.  Being a foster family completely removes the safe zone from your vocabulary! There is no such thing, as you don't really know what the child will be like coming into your home nor do you really know what will unravel while they are there. Yikes! Nothing safe or comfortable about that at all! The funny thing is, there is no place I would rather be.  It has been in those stepping out of the comfortable and safe places that God has used me the most and showed Himself mightily.  Now, I'm not saying we should all be foster parents, or all move to Africa, or all jump off a cliff because any of those could send us into hyperventilation mode or could be an absolute STUPID move for us.  I believe that is where the discerning the voice of the Lord comes in and seeking Him wholeheartedly to know where exactly He is leading you. I have to say though, that when God is leading you it will not always feel comfortable or safe but there will be peace!  But do us all a favor and please NO JUMPING OFF CLIFFS, even if everyone else is doing it and their mom says its okay! ;-)

My prayer is that through this blog the Lord will encourage you on in your own journey as you get to read about mine.  And that what is typed will only lead you back to Jesus, The One and Only!!  So lets get moving....life is waiting to happen!

 

The Joy of the Lord is my stength!

I love reading other blogs.  It so inspires me and encourages me that I am not alone in this thing called life because there are days that I feel that way!  I know none of you would ever admit to feeling alone. Especially since this world puts on the facade of being such a powerful, strong, and in charge people we should be.  Alone-ness is not at all feelings we should have, right? 

Last week was the first official week of summer for us and I actually took my first day of summer yesterday.  Funny how that works. Ha!  The boys had baseball camp all week and their last tournament for the season last weekend.  Madison had cheer practice every day and left for cheer camp last Friday.  We packed our bags and took off Saturday for the baseball tournament with a boat in tow.  I'm not sure how the boat fit in but we dropped it off at Lake Fork on our way, if you call that on the way. Ha!  A few hours after Madi had left on Friday we realized we had forgotten to give her spending money for camp so we also had to swing by SMU to give her some money, which was totally not on our way either.  Finally we arrived in Allen for baseball.  We played a couple winning games and retreated to our hotel. The next day was another whirlwind of playing ball and back to SMU to watch Madi try out for All American cheerleader and final evaluations the next day.  And can I just add that along the way and through it all my children were NOT angels, bad attitudes, fighting, ungratefulness.  Now if all that doesn't make you gargle for air then you must be one of those powerful, strong, never lonely, have it all together people, and I'm jealous. 

When I finally had a moment to think straight my heart was heavy and I was feeling very alone and defeated.  A phone call to my dad to wish him a happy fathers day helped put things in perspective.  He reminded me that Satan comes to STEAL our joy.  He reminded me that happiness is only from our happenings but that God's joy is a constant.  We can choose to be filled with that joy or we can choose to let Satan steal it.  While I was trying to bless his day, he blessed mine. 

Life will never be always like we want it.  It will be lonely, hard, tiresome, an up hill battle, disappointing, and heartbreaking.  It will take from us things we never thought we could live without.  And it will prove it's power by our response.  God never said walking this journey would be easy nor will it always be enjoyable but He did say that living for Him and choosing His joy is
rewarding!

I look back over this last week and I see many ups and many downs.  Many good happenings but also many not so enjoyable ones.  I pondered on the conversation with my dad and was able to get even more good advise from my mom. Oh how thankful I am for their Godly wisdom and perspective.

Learning to let go and watch your kids mess up and letting them figure it out is probably one of the hardest things I have ever done in my life.  Learning to know when to step in and correct them and rebuke them is also another lesson I am learning.  Learning to be consistent in my discipline yet giving them room to live is one more to add to my lists of learning's.  And yet remaining in the joy
of the Lord through it all is also one more mark of learning!!  What a challenge and what a goal!

I wish I had some fairy tale ending to tell you or some incredibly funny story but all I can say is even on the worst days the Lord is faithful to bring joy.  We had a "family meeting" a few nights ago and brought some perspective back to the table.  You know what I'm talking about???...those times you as a parent have let things slip and you have to reel everyone back in to get on the same page.  That's the kind of family meeting we had.  My kids whined about it at first, of course.  "What? Why do we always have to have family meetings?"  But those "family meetings" have been some of the most treasured times for me; praying together, laughing together, playing games together and even crying together.  The Lord has those moments with us as well.  My mom was so gracious to help me to see that.  The Lord graciously brings us to the table, sees us where we are and loves us through discipline and correction and still brings joy!

 

Nehemiah 8:10b "This day is holy to our Lord. Do not grieve, for the joy of the Lord is your strength."

There are days I wonder if I will survive parent hood!  And then God sends me the sweetest love note through a conversation with someone.  Yesterday, I had one of the best compliments about our family from a family that I would describe as my Godly hero's!  I have to say that makes my heart swell and gives me hope!!  It's just the encouragement you need to keep on keeping on! Though we are FAR from perfect, me especially, being a mom is exactly what God has called me to be!

Encouraging you today on your journey, to remain in His joy for it is your strength no matter what life brings to the table!!

Keep your eyes on the ball!

Today was the day, I drove my oldest child to her first home away from home experience.  For the next four days she will be sweating it out, learning like never before, being stretched and pushed out of her comfort zone, and most likely people will be getting on her nerves while she gets on theirs.  She loaded the bus without a single look back and I almost lost it.  As several of the mothers stood outside the bus waiting for them to depart my big brown eyed girl looked out the window at me and waved her farewell.  I blew her a kiss and she reciprocated!  Oh how my heart fluttered and I fought back the tears.  It seems like only yesterday that I myself loaded a bus off to a college campus for a grueling several days at camp.  What an experience it always was for me and now my daughter is doing the same.  I couldn't help but pray hard that she would survive and blossom during this time. 

My boys have been playing baseball lately like nobodies business.  So it is no surprise that I have baseball on my brain!!  It's funny how life throws those curve balls at you and sometimes the pitch may get a little wild and you have to move out of the way.  I feel like I have been in that batters box for a long while.  I have seen some balls, made a few strikes, and foul tipped several times.  The pitches have been coming and coming.  Life has thrown some wild pitches and not many things seem to be like I thought they would be.  I am quiet appalled that I am old enough to have a child entering the 9th grade.  Lol!  I remember Janet White, our song ministers wife, always saying that by the time your child has reached the age of ten they have already begun to form their own little selves.  You as a parent will mostly likely not be their idol any longer and their desire to be their own person is beginning to flourish.  My heart aches as I now have an eleven, twelve, and fourteen year old.  How in the world did this happen?  And where in the world has time gone?  I look back and see so many of those wild pitches that were thrown and I just stood there and let them smack me in the face!  And boy the consequences of that have left some scars.  Those are the times I wish I could have had a DVR on life to rewind those moments and play them again as to maybe react differently.  You know what I'm talking about...your child that is just like you in so many ways and you clash on numerous occasions, but instead of being the "adult" you chime in and then before you know it, it's too late, there's the ball hitting you hard where it hurts! Or maybe it's three strikes and you're out!!  You haven't seemed to learn what it is that pitcher is throwing or how to react? Whose following me?

All those mess ups, pitches that were thrown and I reacted not so great, as a parent seem to have flooded my mind today as I watched my little girl get on that bus.  Oh now don't get me wrong, I refuse to let Satan win any battle in my mind or defeat me in my sin but, the Lord wanted me to see those things so I can be reminded how precious each moment is, to not sweat the small stuff, to stay focused on Him, and learn to react well.  I believe God wants us all to stay focused.  Just as a batter is on the pitcher, watching his every move as to know how to react.  If we don't act quick enough or wise enough we may just suffer consequences. And if we do react in the right way, well, we might just knock the ball out of the park....we may just make that lasting impression on our kids that are life changing, those ones that help them to become their own person for the Lord!!

Oh how I pray that my reactions to life will draw my children to Him.  I know that ball has smacked me between the eyes on too much of a regular basis lately.  Thankfully, we get to bat again after getting out.  I pray today my eyes will stay focused on the pitcher, MY GOD, so that He can show me what needs to be my next move to soar!  Encouraging you today that as each moment passes with your children or in life in general that you can keep your eyes on the One that controls the game of life! That by His movement, His speaking, you will be ready to react in a way that will be life changing for yourself and all who are watching on!!

Teach me your way, Lord, that I may rely on your faithfulness; give me an undivided heart, that I may fear your name.  Psalm 86:11

God can do ALL things...

Last week my son came to me with amazement in his eyes and wanted to share with me this huge secret knowledge that he was so clever to discover. With a proud look on his face he said, "mom...did you know that God CAN'T do everything??"  Of course I was waiting for the punch line with a non-belief look on my face. He said, "mom, God CAN'T do everything because God CAN'T sin!!"  I chuckled thinking how bright my child felt for discovering this truth. Lol!

My kids hear me say over and over that there is nothing impossible with God and that He can do ALL things. 

For  with God nothing shall be impossible. (Luke 1:37 KJV)   

I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me. (Philippians 4:13 KJV)

 My sweet, compliant, never rock the boat,  never questioning (sarcasm inserted) child had come up with some sort of a glitch, so He thought.  He was definitely feeling accomplished!  Little smarty pants! 

While there are some that never question the perfect character of God it's easy to sometimes forget that not everyone is on the same page. Not even my kids. They have been questioning a lot the Truths of His Word and I see them pulling pieces together in their minds to bring about their own faith in Him.  Exciting and scary all in one. 

There aren't many times that I have doubted that God could do something but there have been several times I wondered whether or not He would do it. You see while God will never choose to sin He can choose or not choose to do other things in our lives. Does that mean He isn't capable??? I don't believe He is capable of sin but I do believe He is capable and powerful enough to do ALL things that glorify and edify himself for the people on this Earth to see His greatness and want to know Him as a result. That's hard to grasp on somedays, as an adult, and as a child.  When things don't go as we thought or as we planned we think God hasn't been enough. We doubt that He really can do ALL things. But does that match the Truth of His Word?  Of course it doesn't. So what does that mean? Can God not do all things??  Just because God decided His plan was better than ours doesn't mean He isn't powerful enough to do something. It just means His plan is better than ours. He sees the whole masterpiece while we see only a small portion of the puzzle.  Does that mean we will understand it all? No it doesn't! Will we ever understand? Maybe not! Do we stop believing? I pray we won't ever stop believing and trusting the One who knit us together for His good!! 

This morning I read this verse.... 

Behold, I am the Lord, the God of all flesh: is there any thing too hard for me? (Jeremiah 32:27 KJV)

The Lord reminded me that all though it may feel like His promises seem slow, HE is still on the His throne and whatever may look impossible before me is possible for Him. It may not look how i thought it would but He will be faithful to fulfill His promises!!!