You would think by now in my walk with the Lord I wouldn't be so wowed every time He speaks to me but each time it is so much more real and so much more loving, I am amazed. How does He keep just getting better and better?...duh!! He is God!! :-D
When I hear God speak I find myself questioning several times before I am obedient. Lord, are you sure this is what you want of me? Lord, why would you want me to do that? Lord, how can I do that, I do not fit this description? Lord, I'm not strong enough! Lord, what in the world are you thinking? Lord, what will everyone think, will they mock me or think I'm crazy? Lord, I'm shy I can't do this! Lord, why me? Lord, explain yourself! Lord, is that my heart pounding out of my chest? Lord, give me a sign! Lord, I need another sign! Ok Lord, one more please! I have found myself gripping the pew, the seat, or wherever my feet are planted more times than I can count.
My problem is I'm a people pleaser and a person that has to be doing the "right" thing. My panties get in a huge wad when I feel I am not doing the right thing or things are out of my control. I just want a mapped out plan so that I can get prepared for anything that is thrown my way making sure that it is agreeable in all manners.
I was nervous just a few weeks ago as I was responsible for 14 teenagers for an entire weekend for Disciple Now. We went to an area store similar to Goodwill. For fun someone else had the idea for the girls to find the craziest most unique outfit, try it on, and we would take pictures. The girls had buggies, giggling and zooming through the store throwing mounds of clothes, shoes, and accessories in their baskets. What in the world was I thinking? How would they get all of these things back where they belong? They were going to mess up this store and I was going to be the one responsible. I was so scared we were going to get thrown out of the store and the news paper headlines would read, "MBC Sunday School teacher arrested for disturbing the peace". Yes, I know that is a bit extreme but my conscience is huge and sometimes I can't let myself just relax. I'm thinking that is probably why the Lord blessed me with my husband because he is an extremely sarcastic person and full of pranks. The Lord knew I needed some balance. :)
Lately I have heard the Lord speak loud and clear on some things. I have gone down the road of questioning and doubting, and questioning some more. I have realized my journey at this point is a lot like Peter after Jesus' resurrection. Jesus appeared to Peter to bring closing to his doubting but also to fulfill His purpose in Peter's life. Jesus asked three times if Peter loved Him and three times Peter said "yes, Lord you know that I love you." (John 21:15) Jesus' response each time was "feed my sheep". You see my response to Him has been just like Peter's. I have told the Lord I love Him over and over but what Jesus wanted from Peter was not just for him to acknowledge that He was speaking but to LISTEN, have FAITH, and OBEY! Ouch, ouch, and ouch!!! That is nothing new under the sun, we need to listen, have faith, and obey.
What I am speaking of is when you know He has spoken, you have declared your love for Him and desire to follow Him but you are not trusting Him in faith for what He has said He will do. Oh me, oh my!! I wonder how many times the Lord has called my name and I have said, "yea, I hear ya" but I continue on in my ways. Reminds me of just yesterday when I hollered for my boys to come in from outside. I called several times and they acknowledged they heard me but still kept shooting hoops. They heard but they didn't listen. They were not intentionally trying to be disobedient but that is exactly what they were doing. My son even came in to say "but mom I made money." As if that would make it alright. Their Tutu (grandmother) promised them ten dollars if they made their shot from a certain distance. Yes I was excited he made his shot and was having fun with his grandma but at the same time I wanted him to understand not following after my call was disobedience. It wasn't trusting me to have the best plan. Seems elementary but at the same time I do it all the time with God. I know he speaks, I acknowledge that I hear but I keep doing what I am doing. Frustrating to say the least when my kids do it so thinking that I do that to my God does make my "BIG conscience" self sick! I guess this is where my kids get their delayed obedience, which in essence is disobedience. Oh Father, forgive me!
You see I have always thought of myself as having an abundance of faith. I believe when obstacles are great they can be overcome, I believe the impossible can be possible most of the times. Every once in a while God throws something out there that I just can't grab hold of like that pew. It just doesn't seem tangible. Of course by my means it will never be tangible but by Him all things are possible. This is where the faith has to come in. I can't just hear like Peter and say yes but I actually have to act on that calling.
Now, hold on because I believe sometimes we can take matters in our own hands and that is disastrous. If we jump ahead of God our plans are to surely fail. I believe when we know God has spoken sometimes it will take time for God to get us from point A to point B. The process. The grooming. The weeding out to prepare for the new. The getting rid of what is not needed to replace with what is needed. Don't get me wrong, if the Lord speaks and you are still gripping the pew, know His voice will grow faint over time if you choose not to let go of the pew and follow after Him. Very humbling thought but very true. We must listen when he calls the first time.
I have a forte for trying to figure God out which is the dumbest thing possible, I know...He is God and will never be figured out while I'm on this earth. I like a plan and I want to have it all ironed out so that I know what I need to do next. There is no faith in always having everything figured out. There is no trust if we have analyzed it all and made a fire proof list of to do's. Right?!? Peter obviously had always done what he thought was the right thing and never fully let God dress him and lead him to places he didn't necessarily want to go. (John 21:18) Getting out of our comfort zone is hard. The enemy wants our faith to falter. He wants us to get convinced that God is not believable and that God is not faithful.
I know this might seem confusing to most but in my mind I can see not around the corner but just one step ahead. That's when we have to trust Him and have faith that he will dress us and lead us around the corner and up the hill and through the valley and into the promise land. Along the way it may get bumpy and be painful as He is desperately trying to chip away the unwanted flesh. But as we endure and not just hear His call but listen, have faith, and obey we can be sure that this process will be a beautiful display for His glory! That is what it is all about anyway...pointing others to Him!! Our lives should be a reflection of Him, allowing others to see His greatness through us. And if they really know us they will know that anything good in our lives is definitely of Him.
Be encouraged if you have heard His voice, DON'T HOLD ON TO THE PEW! LISTEN and TAKE ONE STEP AT A TIME with your Savior! He is FAITHFUL!
